D.G. Fulford

New York, United States

What is the one word that describes you? Funny

I will begin by telling you who I was eighteen years ago. I will do this because I have a written statement in front of me and what could be easier than starting out with something I already wrote? Ease in everything, my friends and future relatives.

I had just gotten a job as a columnist at the Los Angeles Daily News -- a proud and fulfilling segment of my life -- and I was asked to write an introductory column.

Here are the facts, as they stood then. D.G. on the cusp of a new career, circa 1988.

And I quote. From myself.

I am a writer. I'm a painter, too. I have a daughter and a dog. I have two cats who are sisters and four new tires on my car.

I hail From Ohio. I hate sports except for rodeo. I love country music. My favorite Beatle was Ringo, although if asked now, I would say John. If I had to pick one character that I'm most like in 'The Big Chill,' it would be William Hurt. My favorite movie is 'Midnight Cowboy.' I have a little of the Ratso Rizzo in me, too.

All of my friends are best friends. I see no reason to have any other kind. I read all the time. My drink is Bud Light; my candy bar, Snickers. I have two brothers I would die for. I think kindness beats meanness hands down.

I want 'Up On The Roof' played at my funeral -- the version by the Drifters. I have nothing against James Taylor, it's just the Drifters did it better.

I am a recluse who enjoys nothing more than a night on the town. I like a quiet house but a loud car radio.

I always think I left the coffee pot on, and I always go back to check it. I was given the Still Crazy After All These Years award at my 20th high school reunion, but I consider myself intense and serious.

I would rather be hot than be cold. I like to eat alone. My favorite author these days is Ann Lamott. My favorite painter these days is Alice Neel. I mourned her passing but I try to emulate her living.

I hate jokes and games. I do like the wooden pieces in Scrabble, though. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, but I', partial to St. Patrick's Day, too.

I love my electric blanket. I wear Obsession cologne. I throw salt over my left shoulder whether I spill it or not.

I cry at award shows. Pretense infuriates me. I have bad dreams about haircuts. I am loyal and trustworthy.

I would not get on a scale if it were the last piece of dry land in a shark - infested sea. Every time I go to a restaurant, I order the same thing.

I enjoy cussing. I think heavy metal music is funny. My ideal man is Waylon Jennings. My ideal woman is Colleen Dewhurst. My ideal child is my own.

I am not a gardener, but I've tried my hand at growing ornamental corn. If someone tries to talk to me about numbers and insurance, my eyes roll around backward in my head.

I like lawn ornaments. I believe in an eye for an eye. I considered naming my child Honesty or Desperado.

I didn't.

I value truth and good humor. I honor memory and hope. I try as hard as I can. You can count on me.

OK, here I am, me now, back in 2006. I plan to update and explore, but much of 1988 holds water. Who I was tells a great deal about who I am.